It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.
You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.
You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.
One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!
What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Aries.
Aries.
People born under the sign of the Ram are courageous and adventurous. They are natural leaders and love living on the edge. They live for the thrill of the chase, preferably a high-speed chase. Don't think that once the Arien hunter has captured its game that he or she will be satisfied. Much like a dog who has finally caught that chicken it has been chasing around the yard, an Arien will quickly become bored with its victim. The dog starts chasing another chicken and the Arien starts after its next conquest, most likely another sexual partner.
Ariens are talkative. They love to inform anyone who will listen about their views on anything that comes to mind. They feel that their views on the world are of utmost importance and therefore, they must share those views with everyone.
They ooze self-confidence. Other people are attracted to the high-spirited personality of the Ariens. This self-confidence can also be seen as vanity or over-sized ego. Its true; Ariens are in love with themselves. Aries is known as a me-first sign and they dont understand why you dont place their needs, however trivial, above your own.
Still, an Arien man or woman is likely to be generous and openhearted. They will help others in a crisis. Ask them for advice, and they will give it. Strapped for cash? They don't mind helping you out. Just don't forget to thank your generous Arien friend. Repeatedly. You didn't really think they were helping you out of general concern for your well-being, did you? A Ram's generosity stems from how good it makes him or her look. Your gratitude feeds an already gargantuan ego.
People born under the Ram are highly independent and like to be in charge. They much prefer to be handing out assignments than being told what to do. In fact, even if you could give an Arien orders, giving them an important assignment might not be the best idea. They lack the motivation to see a long project through the end. Arien's prefer an instant-gratification type of project. The longer they have to work to be rewarded, the less likely they will reach that goal.
Ariens have trouble holding on to money. This isnt surprising because theyre not afraid to help a friend in need. They're also not afraid to buy extravagant gifts, for themselves, of course. After all, they deserve it, don't they? They certainly think so. Luckily, an Arien is not likely to be in debt for too long. Thank their ego for this. It's not exactly good for the self-esteem to wake up every day remembering how many people you owe money. An in-debt Ram will find a way to pay off his creditors quickly.
Although a Ram is high-spirited and optimistic 95% of the time, don't think that life with one is all sunshine and roses. Remember, Ariens react without thought. Insult one, and he or she will have a childlike tantrum. Sadly, people born under Aries often see insult where none was intended. Don't worry. They erupt violently, but it's brief. An angry Aries isnt angry for long. In fact, once they've got over it, they won't understand why you are still upset.
Every sign of the zodiac is ruler to a certain part of the body. Aries rules the head. People born under Aries are prone to headaches and minor facial injuries, most likely from running head-first into anything and everything. Just picture two rams battling on a cliff. Watch them butt heads a few times, and you'll understand.
All in all, people born under Aries are interesting to be around, if you can keep up...
People born under the sign of the Ram are courageous and adventurous. They are natural leaders and love living on the edge. They live for the thrill of the chase, preferably a high-speed chase. Don't think that once the Arien hunter has captured its game that he or she will be satisfied. Much like a dog who has finally caught that chicken it has been chasing around the yard, an Arien will quickly become bored with its victim. The dog starts chasing another chicken and the Arien starts after its next conquest, most likely another sexual partner.
Ariens are talkative. They love to inform anyone who will listen about their views on anything that comes to mind. They feel that their views on the world are of utmost importance and therefore, they must share those views with everyone.
They ooze self-confidence. Other people are attracted to the high-spirited personality of the Ariens. This self-confidence can also be seen as vanity or over-sized ego. Its true; Ariens are in love with themselves. Aries is known as a me-first sign and they dont understand why you dont place their needs, however trivial, above your own.
Still, an Arien man or woman is likely to be generous and openhearted. They will help others in a crisis. Ask them for advice, and they will give it. Strapped for cash? They don't mind helping you out. Just don't forget to thank your generous Arien friend. Repeatedly. You didn't really think they were helping you out of general concern for your well-being, did you? A Ram's generosity stems from how good it makes him or her look. Your gratitude feeds an already gargantuan ego.
People born under the Ram are highly independent and like to be in charge. They much prefer to be handing out assignments than being told what to do. In fact, even if you could give an Arien orders, giving them an important assignment might not be the best idea. They lack the motivation to see a long project through the end. Arien's prefer an instant-gratification type of project. The longer they have to work to be rewarded, the less likely they will reach that goal.
Ariens have trouble holding on to money. This isnt surprising because theyre not afraid to help a friend in need. They're also not afraid to buy extravagant gifts, for themselves, of course. After all, they deserve it, don't they? They certainly think so. Luckily, an Arien is not likely to be in debt for too long. Thank their ego for this. It's not exactly good for the self-esteem to wake up every day remembering how many people you owe money. An in-debt Ram will find a way to pay off his creditors quickly.
Although a Ram is high-spirited and optimistic 95% of the time, don't think that life with one is all sunshine and roses. Remember, Ariens react without thought. Insult one, and he or she will have a childlike tantrum. Sadly, people born under Aries often see insult where none was intended. Don't worry. They erupt violently, but it's brief. An angry Aries isnt angry for long. In fact, once they've got over it, they won't understand why you are still upset.
Every sign of the zodiac is ruler to a certain part of the body. Aries rules the head. People born under Aries are prone to headaches and minor facial injuries, most likely from running head-first into anything and everything. Just picture two rams battling on a cliff. Watch them butt heads a few times, and you'll understand.
All in all, people born under Aries are interesting to be around, if you can keep up...
Friday, September 17, 2010
Lessons learned from "A Bronx Tale"
Lesson 1: The importance of family
The kid in the movie doesn't listen to his father and you can't hold that against him; we all have to make mistakes. But the kid always knew that what his father told him was in his best interests. Love is sometimes communicated in strange, harsh ways, but that doesn't mean it isn't love. Despite all the crap this kid went through, his family was always there to support him. It was the values that his father taught him that kept him from turning into a stronzo , buried six feet under before he was old enough to shave. Never forget how important family is. Why it's better to be feared, getting rid of people for $20, and making yourself available to those who need you...
Lesson 2: It's better to be feared than loved
Like Chazz Palminteri's character Sonny says, "It's nice to be both, but very difficult." He goes on: "Fear lasts longer than love... it's fear that keeps them loyal." Power and money help instill fear in others and allow you to take control and become a father figure to your crew. "I treat my men good, but not too good, or I'm not needed. I give just enough so that they need me, but they don't hate me," says Sonny. Love is fleeting, that's why I don't trust it. Friendship? It's BS. Most friendships in my business are based on money and are meaningless once the money stops. The guy who laughs at my jokes only does so because I give him a paycheck. I know that and he knows that. Same thing goes for those skanks who ask about your job and your car before they ask your name. Keep your crew together by making them fear you. I already wrote about this in a past column so I won't20waste more time on it.
Lesson 3: It costs $20 to get rid of a problem
In the movie, some punk owes Calogero, or C (Lillo Brancato), $20. Since the movie took place in the '60s, breaking a few fingers might have been worth it. The punk always avoids C and he wants to break the punk's head. But before he does, he gets some good advice from Sonny. "It costs you $20 to get rid of him." The point was that for $20, this punk from the neighborhood would never ask C for money or bother him again. For the rest of C's life, this guy would fear him and stay out of his hair for good. Your lesson? Sometimes you have to take a loss, but in the end you're better off cutting your losses and moving on. Get too hung up on the past, especially on small things, and you'll never move ahead.
Lesson 4: Availability
Sonny talks a lot about availability. He chooses to live in his neighborhood because he can stop trouble immediately. The people that love him in the neighborhood see him every day, and they feel safe. His enemies think twice about getting cute, because they know he's close. This is a universal lesson to stay close to the things that are important in your life. If you are some hotshot manager at a company, don't stay away from your troops; keep your ear to the ground. If you are a father, make yourself available to your kids. Staying close to the action lets you spot problems before they become cancers.
Lesson 5: Sinatra is a great singer
What? I have to explain this to you? Whatsamatter with you?
Lesson 6: Never rat on no one
C had a life-altering decision to make when he was young. He could have ratted on a murder Sonny committed but he knew better. He knew better than to be a rat because as he said, "A rat is the lowest thing you can be in my neighborhood." Doing good things for rotten people, wasting your talent and getting a girl to give you oral sex in front of a dirty truck driver are all less morally reprehensible than being a rat, remember that."
Lesson 7: Sometimes you do good things for bad people
When C doesn't rat on Sonny, he is not only saving his reputation, he is saving his own life and his father's life. There are times in life when you'll have to do things you know aren't right for the greater good. It's life. It's not a goddamn fairytale. People have a hard time understanding this -- they see things in black and white, but there are plenty of gray zones. Here's a quick example for those missing a few screws. If the local tough guy gives you a gun to hide for him, hide it and shut up. Don't be a wise ass and go to the cops with your little piece of evidence. Capiche ?
Lesson 8: There's nothing sadder than wasted talent
I've always said, a loser isn't someone who's stupid; he never had a chance, God made him stupid. A loser is a guy who could have made something of himself but didn't. A loser is a guy with wasted talent. Don't be that loser.
Lesson 9: The "Mario" test
One of the young turks in the movie talks about doing a test on a girl by taking her on the highway, getting the attention of a truck driver and seeing if she blows you in front of him. If she does, don't make plans to marry her. The test sounds stupid, but it's legitimate. If a girl has no respect for herself, especially in public, she's no good. Drop her like a bag of yesterday's bread.
Lesson 10: Nobody cares
Sonny teaches C that nobody cares. Nobody cares about anyone but themselves. You should do what you want because nobody cares about you anyway. Sonny tells C that he shouldn't care about Mickey Mantle, because Mickey Mantle doesn't care about him. Some people are obsessed with other people's opinion. Who gives a damn? Nobody cares. Take care of yourself -- no one else will.
Lesson 11: Never underestimate your enemy
In another scene, some fat bikers walk into Sonny's bar and disrespect him and his establishment because Sonny was polite. They underestimated him, and it cost those cafones. Don't mistake patience or a gentleman's demeanor for weakness. Always assume the worst in your enemy and never underestimate the lengths he'll go to, to destroy you. "Now yous can't leave."
Lesson 12: Guns don't make you tough
If you think owning a piece is going to make you a tough guy, think again. Toughness is what you show when a gun is pointed at you. A gun will never give you respect, importance or, outside of the moment you point it, any power.
Lesson 13: The "door" test
I've been doing this one since I stole my first car back when I was 14. The "door" test basically boils down to this: When you take a girl out for the first time, lock the door on your side of the car, open her door first, walk around the back, and see if she unlocks the door for you. If she does, she's a keeper. If she doesn't, she's a selfish bitch and you should consider yourself lucky to have recognized that early on.
It's all in the little details; remember that.
The kid in the movie doesn't listen to his father and you can't hold that against him; we all have to make mistakes. But the kid always knew that what his father told him was in his best interests. Love is sometimes communicated in strange, harsh ways, but that doesn't mean it isn't love. Despite all the crap this kid went through, his family was always there to support him. It was the values that his father taught him that kept him from turning into a stronzo , buried six feet under before he was old enough to shave. Never forget how important family is. Why it's better to be feared, getting rid of people for $20, and making yourself available to those who need you...
Lesson 2: It's better to be feared than loved
Like Chazz Palminteri's character Sonny says, "It's nice to be both, but very difficult." He goes on: "Fear lasts longer than love... it's fear that keeps them loyal." Power and money help instill fear in others and allow you to take control and become a father figure to your crew. "I treat my men good, but not too good, or I'm not needed. I give just enough so that they need me, but they don't hate me," says Sonny. Love is fleeting, that's why I don't trust it. Friendship? It's BS. Most friendships in my business are based on money and are meaningless once the money stops. The guy who laughs at my jokes only does so because I give him a paycheck. I know that and he knows that. Same thing goes for those skanks who ask about your job and your car before they ask your name. Keep your crew together by making them fear you. I already wrote about this in a past column so I won't20waste more time on it.
Lesson 3: It costs $20 to get rid of a problem
In the movie, some punk owes Calogero, or C (Lillo Brancato), $20. Since the movie took place in the '60s, breaking a few fingers might have been worth it. The punk always avoids C and he wants to break the punk's head. But before he does, he gets some good advice from Sonny. "It costs you $20 to get rid of him." The point was that for $20, this punk from the neighborhood would never ask C for money or bother him again. For the rest of C's life, this guy would fear him and stay out of his hair for good. Your lesson? Sometimes you have to take a loss, but in the end you're better off cutting your losses and moving on. Get too hung up on the past, especially on small things, and you'll never move ahead.
Lesson 4: Availability
Sonny talks a lot about availability. He chooses to live in his neighborhood because he can stop trouble immediately. The people that love him in the neighborhood see him every day, and they feel safe. His enemies think twice about getting cute, because they know he's close. This is a universal lesson to stay close to the things that are important in your life. If you are some hotshot manager at a company, don't stay away from your troops; keep your ear to the ground. If you are a father, make yourself available to your kids. Staying close to the action lets you spot problems before they become cancers.
Lesson 5: Sinatra is a great singer
What? I have to explain this to you? Whatsamatter with you?
Lesson 6: Never rat on no one
C had a life-altering decision to make when he was young. He could have ratted on a murder Sonny committed but he knew better. He knew better than to be a rat because as he said, "A rat is the lowest thing you can be in my neighborhood." Doing good things for rotten people, wasting your talent and getting a girl to give you oral sex in front of a dirty truck driver are all less morally reprehensible than being a rat, remember that."
Lesson 7: Sometimes you do good things for bad people
When C doesn't rat on Sonny, he is not only saving his reputation, he is saving his own life and his father's life. There are times in life when you'll have to do things you know aren't right for the greater good. It's life. It's not a goddamn fairytale. People have a hard time understanding this -- they see things in black and white, but there are plenty of gray zones. Here's a quick example for those missing a few screws. If the local tough guy gives you a gun to hide for him, hide it and shut up. Don't be a wise ass and go to the cops with your little piece of evidence. Capiche ?
Lesson 8: There's nothing sadder than wasted talent
I've always said, a loser isn't someone who's stupid; he never had a chance, God made him stupid. A loser is a guy who could have made something of himself but didn't. A loser is a guy with wasted talent. Don't be that loser.
Lesson 9: The "Mario" test
One of the young turks in the movie talks about doing a test on a girl by taking her on the highway, getting the attention of a truck driver and seeing if she blows you in front of him. If she does, don't make plans to marry her. The test sounds stupid, but it's legitimate. If a girl has no respect for herself, especially in public, she's no good. Drop her like a bag of yesterday's bread.
Lesson 10: Nobody cares
Sonny teaches C that nobody cares. Nobody cares about anyone but themselves. You should do what you want because nobody cares about you anyway. Sonny tells C that he shouldn't care about Mickey Mantle, because Mickey Mantle doesn't care about him. Some people are obsessed with other people's opinion. Who gives a damn? Nobody cares. Take care of yourself -- no one else will.
Lesson 11: Never underestimate your enemy
In another scene, some fat bikers walk into Sonny's bar and disrespect him and his establishment because Sonny was polite. They underestimated him, and it cost those cafones. Don't mistake patience or a gentleman's demeanor for weakness. Always assume the worst in your enemy and never underestimate the lengths he'll go to, to destroy you. "Now yous can't leave."
Lesson 12: Guns don't make you tough
If you think owning a piece is going to make you a tough guy, think again. Toughness is what you show when a gun is pointed at you. A gun will never give you respect, importance or, outside of the moment you point it, any power.
Lesson 13: The "door" test
I've been doing this one since I stole my first car back when I was 14. The "door" test basically boils down to this: When you take a girl out for the first time, lock the door on your side of the car, open her door first, walk around the back, and see if she unlocks the door for you. If she does, she's a keeper. If she doesn't, she's a selfish bitch and you should consider yourself lucky to have recognized that early on.
It's all in the little details; remember that.
MANswers.
You know that feeling, fellas. Things seem to be going well with your significant other. The sex is great, the moments without sex are pretty much tolerable, and she hasn't once gotten mad at you for.. well, okay, like that happens. But then, of course, the questions begin. Those horrible, mind-numbing, soul-crushing questions that aren't really questions at all. I have taken the liberty of compiling a list of these, along with exactly how you're supposed to react to them.
"How do I look?"
What it really means: "Tell me I am attractive. Now."
If there's one thing human beings cannot stand, it's the truth – and women are no exception. If your girlfriend walked out of the bathroom with her panties around her neck, mud rubbed in her hair and torn spandex pants, she'd still ask you how she looked and expect a complimentary response. In a way, she's almost being generous – the boyfriend is given an easy excuse to earn brownie points by sycophantically praising his girlfriend's physical attributes. Whether or not the boyfriend is lying through his teeth is irrelevant to the girlfriend.
How to deal with it:
Pretend to have your mind focused on something else for a second. Then look back at her, as if you just now realized she ask you something. The moment your eyes hit hers, suddenly act as if you have become overwhelmed with a wave of absolute astonishment – who is this beautiful woman, and how did she get here? Widen your eyes and try to look as childlike as possible, dumbfounded with amazement at her beauty.
These theatrics may seem unnecessary or silly, but one must realize that a simple "you look great" will result in nothing more than an argument and a likely denial of sex for the next 24 hours. If a woman deems it necessary to ask you how she looks, then she's obviously spent some degree of effort on her appearance, and wants to be rewarded with an unusually positive reaction to it.
"Do you think she's pretty?"
What it really means: "Prove to me you aren't attracted to other women."
Typically asked in reference to a female celebrity or supermodel, your woman is feeling insecure about the fact that many, many women on the planet are most likely more attractive than her. She needs you to show that "mainstream" attractive women hold no interest for you, because otherwise she cannot consider herself the most attractive woman in your life – if the whole of society agrees that they'd cut off four fingers if it meant they'd get to sleep with Angelina Jolie, then your stated lack of attraction toward her means that you find your girlfriend more doable than Lara Croft herself.
It's complicated, but can be summarized like this:
-Everybody thinks Scarlett Johansson is gorgeous.
-If you think Scarlett Johansson is gorgeous, then that also means you think Scarlett Johansson is more attractive than your girlfriend, thus making your girlfriend feel less special than Scarlett Johansson.
-If your girlfriend thinks you don't think Scarlett Johansson is gorgeous, then your girlfriend can continue to operate under the assumption that she is the most gorgeous woman in your life and that you are lucky to have her.
How to deal with it:
There are a dozen ways to handle this question, most of them pretty straightforward ("No" is the shortest and easier to remember), but this question presents a fantastic chance to subtly show your girlfriend how much you really care about her.
When she asks the question, only refer to the celebrity in question by drawing comparisons between her and your girlfriend. For example:
"Do you think Eva Mendes is pretty?"
"Well, she's got sort of a nice body, but she doesn't have your eyes."
"I wasn't asking whether or not she looks like me. I was asking whether you thought she's pretty."
"I don't understand. I just told you she wasn't pretty -- she doesn't have your eyes."
She'll pause for a minute, and then come to the realization that you are essentially using your girlfriend as the standard of beauty to which all other girls will be judged: she'll be so flattered that she might manage to have long, arduous sex with you without crying once.
"Where do you want to go tonight?"
What it really means: "Read my mind."
In all relationships, the time comes when the passion is over and done with, and the couple is required to actually go somewhere in an effort to stave off boredom. When that time comes, the relationship basically becomes one big game of 20 questions. Your girlfriend wants to go somewhere interesting, but she (A) wants to have nothing to do at all with where you end up, (B) wants to enjoy herself, and (C) wants you to pay for everything.
The problem, of course, is in actually guessing a destination that your girlfriend will enjoy. If you ask her what she's in the mood for, you'll either get a bullshit answer ("I dunno") or she'll tell you and immediately get irritated that you didn't know her well enough to predict what she wanted.
How to deal with it:
Get a calendar. Every four days, make sure you have a different activity planned, and follow through with each day's activity.
Alternatively, if she asks the question too many times just fill a bag with oranges and swing it around menacingly. "If you ask me that one more time," you can say, "then this is what we're doing tonight."
"What are you thinking?"
What it really means: "Give me an excuse to yell at you."
No woman, in the history of humankind, has ever given two shits about a man's thoughts unless it involves him buying her something. Ever. So when she asks you "what are you thinking," recognize it
for the goddamn trap that it is.
There is literally no right answer to this question. If you say you're thinking about her, she'll know you're lying. If you say what you're really thinking about – usually about what a particular celebrity looks like naked – she'll get angry. If you say something shallow ("Uh, nothing"), she'll get angry that you aren't deep, and if you say something deep, then she'll feel like you're totally full of shit.
And just so nobody accuses me of being Carlos Mencia/Eric Bauman, I know that Rondell Sheridan basically did a variation of this complaint during his standup routines.
How to deal with it:
Kiss her on the mouth, really really hard. With any luck, the pain will be enough that she'll forget what she asked you, and you can go about your business as if nothing happened.
"How was your day?"
What it really means: "Ask me how my day was."
To be fair, this is not an exclusively female question: wanting to talk about oneself is just as big a part of human nature as wanting to seem like you don't actually want to talk to yourself. Every person who asks you how your day was may nod and smile, may kindly pretend to listen as you recount the monotonous, depressing sequence of shit that was your day, but they're really just waiting you to get finished with your goddamn speech so they can tell you about how interesting their day was.
With girlfriends, the stakes are simply higher. If you don't listen to a friend who tells you about their day, it doesn't really matter. If you don't listen to your girlfriend, then you better get used to masturbating alone for the next week and a half. Or buy roses. But fuck that -- what's a week and a half, anyway?
How to deal with it:
Make the summary of your day short and sweet so she can launch into her diatribe early and get it done quicker. You don't really need to listen to the actual words she speaks so much as you need to watch her facial expressions. Women's faces have a tendency to recreate the way they looked during specific parts of a story, and mimicking those facial expressions as she delivers them to you will make you seem like you are not only paying attention, but also extremely interested in her story.
"Don't our married friends seem happy?"
What it really means: "I want to get married."
Nine out of ten times the question won't be phrased like this (or worse, it won't be a question), but the basic idea remains: your girlfriend is ready for a commitment that no intelligent man should ever, ever want to engage in. The question might be somewhat forgivable if it was even halfway accurate: no, Diane, our married friends don't seem happy. Rob's wife definitely seems happy, considering she gets to turn nagging into a full-time job, but there's a certain…deadness to Rob's eyes that isn't really indicative of jubilance.
How to deal with it:
RUN!!!!!
"Do you love me?"
What it really means: "Lavish me with compliments or I'm leaving you." OR "I am a clingy psychopath, please dump me."
We've all dated that one chick who says "I love you" after two dates, and those are the chicks who most frequently ask this question. It's tragic, really – psycho girls are so fun in short bursts, and yet all they want is a long-term commitment. They're so cute and forgiving and nice and enthusiastic at the beginning of a relationship, but at the halfway point (which, with chicks like this, is usually about a week after you've met her) they just lose it. Dating and sex turns into love and marriage.
But still, at least those women are easy to diagnose and treat. It's much more difficult to handle this question coming from someone you've been dating for a long time. Women in such a position usually ask this question because they have low self-esteem, or because their boyfriend is acting distant or selfish.
How to deal with it:
If we're talking about the psycho chick, the answer is simple (albeit involved): dump her, cut off all contact with her, and change your locks.
If the question is coming from someone you're in a serious relationship with, no amount of reassuring will make a difference: if words meant anything to her, she wouldn't have bothered asking in the first place.
The only real way to solve this problem is with money. Buy her something. It doesn't matter what, so long as it's more than 100 dollars. You can buy her a goddamn fishing rod made of peppermint, so long as you include the receipt to show her the exact dollar value you place on her love.
"Why?"
What it really means: I'm not sure, actually.
I haven't personally had a lot of experience with this question, but I'm told it pops up somewhat frequently. In the same way that toddlers refuse to accept a simple answer to a complex question by constantly asking "why," women will do the same in an attempt to trick you into saying something that'll make you look like a moron, so they have an excuse to verbally berate you.
How to deal with it:
As I said, I haven't personally had any experience with this one, so I can't be sure. Based on my limited knowledge, however, I would suggest simply leaving the room and doing something else: getting into a "why" conversation with a child only results in making the adult look like a moron, so who's to say that the same isn't true when applied to an adult female?
"Do you want to try new things?"
What it really means: "I want to know exactly how much of a pervert you are."
The word "things" in that sentence refers to sexual experimentation.
While many women are, indeed, freaks in bed, they're usually not the ones who ask this question. No, Superfreaks tend to be very up front with their sexual freedom, and will never even bother asking you if you're into something. This question only comes from someone you've been dating for a while, who is curious to see exactly how much of your "I'm just a romantic guy who doesn't just want to bone you" act is true, and how much is total bullshit (usually there's more of the latter than the former).
Your lady will sound like she's totally into any kinky sex act you're into, right up until you actually tell her: once you reveal that your ultimate fantasy is to dress up like an Elizabethan merchant and have your fanny spanked with a wooden oar, your lady will most likely drop the act and yell at you for being the total perv you are.
How to deal with it:
Do NOT say threesomes. EVER. Say something quasi-naughty, but not depraved: suggest a schoolgirl outfit, or make reference to "role-playing" without specifically stating what roles you want each partner to play. Keep it vague, because it's not like she'll follow up on those desire anyway: after this question has been asked, your answer basically just serves as damage control.
"How come we don't ________ anymore?"
What it really means: "You're getting boring, and I am going to cheat on you next week if you don't do something interesting soon."
If you've managed to stay with a woman long enough to hear this question, congratulations: you have more patience and self-control than most men will ever know. This question (hopefully) doesn't pop up until after a few years of dating, at which point every story has been told, every sexual position has been attempted, and you've gone to about a hundred different places on dates without managing to find anywhere interesting. You usually hear this after getting married, which means you haven't listened to any of the above advice – in which case, I can't really help you.
How to deal with it:
At this point, the relationship is pretty much dead. You can either do something drastic like plan a vacation in Venice, but the novelty of such a diversion will wear off shortly after returning home. Your only two options are to ride out the misery for years and years simply because you have nowhere else to go (like my grandparents did), or to find a really dramatic way of permanently ending your relationship. My personal suggestion: wait until you're positive that your girlfriend is cheating on you (which, statistically, she is cheating on you), and simply catch her in the act. You'll finally get an excuse to yell all those obscenities at her you've been building up over the years.
And the best part?
You'll never have to answer one of these questions that aren't really questions ever again.
"How do I look?"
What it really means: "Tell me I am attractive. Now."
If there's one thing human beings cannot stand, it's the truth – and women are no exception. If your girlfriend walked out of the bathroom with her panties around her neck, mud rubbed in her hair and torn spandex pants, she'd still ask you how she looked and expect a complimentary response. In a way, she's almost being generous – the boyfriend is given an easy excuse to earn brownie points by sycophantically praising his girlfriend's physical attributes. Whether or not the boyfriend is lying through his teeth is irrelevant to the girlfriend.
How to deal with it:
Pretend to have your mind focused on something else for a second. Then look back at her, as if you just now realized she ask you something. The moment your eyes hit hers, suddenly act as if you have become overwhelmed with a wave of absolute astonishment – who is this beautiful woman, and how did she get here? Widen your eyes and try to look as childlike as possible, dumbfounded with amazement at her beauty.
These theatrics may seem unnecessary or silly, but one must realize that a simple "you look great" will result in nothing more than an argument and a likely denial of sex for the next 24 hours. If a woman deems it necessary to ask you how she looks, then she's obviously spent some degree of effort on her appearance, and wants to be rewarded with an unusually positive reaction to it.
"Do you think she's pretty?"
What it really means: "Prove to me you aren't attracted to other women."
Typically asked in reference to a female celebrity or supermodel, your woman is feeling insecure about the fact that many, many women on the planet are most likely more attractive than her. She needs you to show that "mainstream" attractive women hold no interest for you, because otherwise she cannot consider herself the most attractive woman in your life – if the whole of society agrees that they'd cut off four fingers if it meant they'd get to sleep with Angelina Jolie, then your stated lack of attraction toward her means that you find your girlfriend more doable than Lara Croft herself.
It's complicated, but can be summarized like this:
-Everybody thinks Scarlett Johansson is gorgeous.
-If you think Scarlett Johansson is gorgeous, then that also means you think Scarlett Johansson is more attractive than your girlfriend, thus making your girlfriend feel less special than Scarlett Johansson.
-If your girlfriend thinks you don't think Scarlett Johansson is gorgeous, then your girlfriend can continue to operate under the assumption that she is the most gorgeous woman in your life and that you are lucky to have her.
How to deal with it:
There are a dozen ways to handle this question, most of them pretty straightforward ("No" is the shortest and easier to remember), but this question presents a fantastic chance to subtly show your girlfriend how much you really care about her.
When she asks the question, only refer to the celebrity in question by drawing comparisons between her and your girlfriend. For example:
"Do you think Eva Mendes is pretty?"
"Well, she's got sort of a nice body, but she doesn't have your eyes."
"I wasn't asking whether or not she looks like me. I was asking whether you thought she's pretty."
"I don't understand. I just told you she wasn't pretty -- she doesn't have your eyes."
She'll pause for a minute, and then come to the realization that you are essentially using your girlfriend as the standard of beauty to which all other girls will be judged: she'll be so flattered that she might manage to have long, arduous sex with you without crying once.
"Where do you want to go tonight?"
What it really means: "Read my mind."
In all relationships, the time comes when the passion is over and done with, and the couple is required to actually go somewhere in an effort to stave off boredom. When that time comes, the relationship basically becomes one big game of 20 questions. Your girlfriend wants to go somewhere interesting, but she (A) wants to have nothing to do at all with where you end up, (B) wants to enjoy herself, and (C) wants you to pay for everything.
The problem, of course, is in actually guessing a destination that your girlfriend will enjoy. If you ask her what she's in the mood for, you'll either get a bullshit answer ("I dunno") or she'll tell you and immediately get irritated that you didn't know her well enough to predict what she wanted.
How to deal with it:
Get a calendar. Every four days, make sure you have a different activity planned, and follow through with each day's activity.
Alternatively, if she asks the question too many times just fill a bag with oranges and swing it around menacingly. "If you ask me that one more time," you can say, "then this is what we're doing tonight."
"What are you thinking?"
What it really means: "Give me an excuse to yell at you."
No woman, in the history of humankind, has ever given two shits about a man's thoughts unless it involves him buying her something. Ever. So when she asks you "what are you thinking," recognize it
for the goddamn trap that it is.
There is literally no right answer to this question. If you say you're thinking about her, she'll know you're lying. If you say what you're really thinking about – usually about what a particular celebrity looks like naked – she'll get angry. If you say something shallow ("Uh, nothing"), she'll get angry that you aren't deep, and if you say something deep, then she'll feel like you're totally full of shit.
And just so nobody accuses me of being Carlos Mencia/Eric Bauman, I know that Rondell Sheridan basically did a variation of this complaint during his standup routines.
How to deal with it:
Kiss her on the mouth, really really hard. With any luck, the pain will be enough that she'll forget what she asked you, and you can go about your business as if nothing happened.
"How was your day?"
What it really means: "Ask me how my day was."
To be fair, this is not an exclusively female question: wanting to talk about oneself is just as big a part of human nature as wanting to seem like you don't actually want to talk to yourself. Every person who asks you how your day was may nod and smile, may kindly pretend to listen as you recount the monotonous, depressing sequence of shit that was your day, but they're really just waiting you to get finished with your goddamn speech so they can tell you about how interesting their day was.
With girlfriends, the stakes are simply higher. If you don't listen to a friend who tells you about their day, it doesn't really matter. If you don't listen to your girlfriend, then you better get used to masturbating alone for the next week and a half. Or buy roses. But fuck that -- what's a week and a half, anyway?
How to deal with it:
Make the summary of your day short and sweet so she can launch into her diatribe early and get it done quicker. You don't really need to listen to the actual words she speaks so much as you need to watch her facial expressions. Women's faces have a tendency to recreate the way they looked during specific parts of a story, and mimicking those facial expressions as she delivers them to you will make you seem like you are not only paying attention, but also extremely interested in her story.
"Don't our married friends seem happy?"
What it really means: "I want to get married."
Nine out of ten times the question won't be phrased like this (or worse, it won't be a question), but the basic idea remains: your girlfriend is ready for a commitment that no intelligent man should ever, ever want to engage in. The question might be somewhat forgivable if it was even halfway accurate: no, Diane, our married friends don't seem happy. Rob's wife definitely seems happy, considering she gets to turn nagging into a full-time job, but there's a certain…deadness to Rob's eyes that isn't really indicative of jubilance.
How to deal with it:
RUN!!!!!
"Do you love me?"
What it really means: "Lavish me with compliments or I'm leaving you." OR "I am a clingy psychopath, please dump me."
We've all dated that one chick who says "I love you" after two dates, and those are the chicks who most frequently ask this question. It's tragic, really – psycho girls are so fun in short bursts, and yet all they want is a long-term commitment. They're so cute and forgiving and nice and enthusiastic at the beginning of a relationship, but at the halfway point (which, with chicks like this, is usually about a week after you've met her) they just lose it. Dating and sex turns into love and marriage.
But still, at least those women are easy to diagnose and treat. It's much more difficult to handle this question coming from someone you've been dating for a long time. Women in such a position usually ask this question because they have low self-esteem, or because their boyfriend is acting distant or selfish.
How to deal with it:
If we're talking about the psycho chick, the answer is simple (albeit involved): dump her, cut off all contact with her, and change your locks.
If the question is coming from someone you're in a serious relationship with, no amount of reassuring will make a difference: if words meant anything to her, she wouldn't have bothered asking in the first place.
The only real way to solve this problem is with money. Buy her something. It doesn't matter what, so long as it's more than 100 dollars. You can buy her a goddamn fishing rod made of peppermint, so long as you include the receipt to show her the exact dollar value you place on her love.
"Why?"
What it really means: I'm not sure, actually.
I haven't personally had a lot of experience with this question, but I'm told it pops up somewhat frequently. In the same way that toddlers refuse to accept a simple answer to a complex question by constantly asking "why," women will do the same in an attempt to trick you into saying something that'll make you look like a moron, so they have an excuse to verbally berate you.
How to deal with it:
As I said, I haven't personally had any experience with this one, so I can't be sure. Based on my limited knowledge, however, I would suggest simply leaving the room and doing something else: getting into a "why" conversation with a child only results in making the adult look like a moron, so who's to say that the same isn't true when applied to an adult female?
"Do you want to try new things?"
What it really means: "I want to know exactly how much of a pervert you are."
The word "things" in that sentence refers to sexual experimentation.
While many women are, indeed, freaks in bed, they're usually not the ones who ask this question. No, Superfreaks tend to be very up front with their sexual freedom, and will never even bother asking you if you're into something. This question only comes from someone you've been dating for a while, who is curious to see exactly how much of your "I'm just a romantic guy who doesn't just want to bone you" act is true, and how much is total bullshit (usually there's more of the latter than the former).
Your lady will sound like she's totally into any kinky sex act you're into, right up until you actually tell her: once you reveal that your ultimate fantasy is to dress up like an Elizabethan merchant and have your fanny spanked with a wooden oar, your lady will most likely drop the act and yell at you for being the total perv you are.
How to deal with it:
Do NOT say threesomes. EVER. Say something quasi-naughty, but not depraved: suggest a schoolgirl outfit, or make reference to "role-playing" without specifically stating what roles you want each partner to play. Keep it vague, because it's not like she'll follow up on those desire anyway: after this question has been asked, your answer basically just serves as damage control.
"How come we don't ________ anymore?"
What it really means: "You're getting boring, and I am going to cheat on you next week if you don't do something interesting soon."
If you've managed to stay with a woman long enough to hear this question, congratulations: you have more patience and self-control than most men will ever know. This question (hopefully) doesn't pop up until after a few years of dating, at which point every story has been told, every sexual position has been attempted, and you've gone to about a hundred different places on dates without managing to find anywhere interesting. You usually hear this after getting married, which means you haven't listened to any of the above advice – in which case, I can't really help you.
How to deal with it:
At this point, the relationship is pretty much dead. You can either do something drastic like plan a vacation in Venice, but the novelty of such a diversion will wear off shortly after returning home. Your only two options are to ride out the misery for years and years simply because you have nowhere else to go (like my grandparents did), or to find a really dramatic way of permanently ending your relationship. My personal suggestion: wait until you're positive that your girlfriend is cheating on you (which, statistically, she is cheating on you), and simply catch her in the act. You'll finally get an excuse to yell all those obscenities at her you've been building up over the years.
And the best part?
You'll never have to answer one of these questions that aren't really questions ever again.
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